不一样的我

自从他的出现，我就无法做自己想做的，就算是自己喜欢做的也已变成一种复旦，根本就不开心。
自从他的出现，我就变成了另一个我—一点都不开心的我。
我不喜欢这个我…甚至讨厌这个我。
所以 I’ll not allow this to have any authority over my life. I will be the one having authority over it.
I will not allow people to cause me to fall into this state again (I hope..).
Because i know that whatever I have done is not to gain man’s approval but God. and so long as I’ve done my best, I have nothing to be unhappy about

Thank You God for accepting and loving me for who I am. Thank You for not judging me because of my flaws. Thank You Lord…

how much more?

truly our God is the God of the ‘how much more!’.

ever since prayer retreat ended, i went into my mel state once again.
i was very tired of everything—planning, executing, meeting people’s expectations… the process just won’t stop.
i understood what Cher jie meant by mels having to learn to deal with their mel moments, because if they don’t, it will only cause negativity towards the people around them.

Saturday, 6th Feb 2010
sadly, i wasn’t able to fully handle my mel side, and so i brought it into CNY dinner @ G2 with me. at the start, every cell was to find their red packets. i was too sian to play with them already, so i told my kids to go find and come to the carpark to find me after that. as time passed, they still couldn’t find it, so i decided to help them as they looked slightly sian-ed. i remembered what happened during last year’s youth camp, that even though my group had the least number of people, supposedly the weakest, we turned out to be the best. and so, i decided to apply it in this situation. i wouldn’t allow my emotions to affect my kids. as a cell, whether many people or not, whether we win or not, we must have fun that’s the purpose of the event isn’t it?
and so, true enough, we had alot of fun the kids’ enthusiasm rubbed off on me, causing me to also want to be enthusiastic yes. even younger people CAN do that to the older ones

our dear Emil de Diego~

on the way home, my good friend MELANCHOLY came to look for me again.
i just felt soooooo tired luh. so many things to do yet so little time to finish everything.
there’s cell the next day and i haven’t even prepared cell kit! make me even more sian x1000000. because i only want to give my kids 100%, not even 99.999999%. i tried to prepare to the best that i could. i tried. but i was so sian, so i smsed people to pray for me. (thank YOU for your prayers!) then this Liang siblings tried to cheer me up in a rather interesting way~ thanks Liangs!

Sunday, 7th Feb 2010
cell was totally awesome! like the opposite of what i expected. and credit can ONLY go to God because no man can ever control this kind of situations lorr.
we had cell at sam’s house because her birthday was that week, and EVERYONE was present at cell! so as usual, we started with the cell kit…to my amazement, they asked soooooooo many questions that i wouldn’t have expected them to ask! i really needed that and it was very encouraging for me thanks foolzieeeeeeeesssssssssss! thank You God! YOU knew what i needed most to get out of that state. we also had a good time sharing about our week and worship was good too! like God’s presence was just so strong… as we sang ‘Mighty to save’, i felt impressed upon to challenge the kids to think of ONE person that they would want to reach out to this year, and to commit him/her to the Lord and ask the Lord for ways to reach out to this person we celebrated Sam’s birthday, then went for lunch at Macs, then homed journey home was nice too had a good chat with Bel and got to know more about her and what are her goals this year really love them much.

cell this year is different. there is more sharing time. more one-on-one time with the kids. deeper sharing. more thinking. more talking. more…. more…..

my beloved kiddoooosss!!

thank You God for knowing what i need most at different times. thank You God for a cell such as this. thank You God for family members who care for me. thank You God for friends who care for me. thank You God for a life such as this… thank You God for You.

give me strength…

to make it through somehow…
i’ve never been more homesick than now..
[Homesick by MercyMe]

i’m sooooo tired Lord, so tired. physically, spiritually..
i’m feeling so stretched and challenged Lord. so much~ never felt like this before..
i feel so weighed down by things that it’s starting to cloud my vision of God.
No, i cannot allow this to happen.
i need to pray.
i need to seek God.
i need to see from God’s perspective.
i need to be kingdom-minded..
YES, i need. and YES, i want.

it really doesn’t feel good to be always feeling insecure.
i hate my insecurity. i hate it.
people affirm me time and again, but when things don’t go my way, insecurity sets in.
ridiculous. meaningless. pointless.
i would love to have close friends. who doesn’t?
but i dare not because of my insecurities.. i dare not.. sigh.

Lord, help me. teach me. guide me. lead me in the way everlasting…
i want to be finding security in You. teach me Lord, teach me.
i don’t wanna give up running this race..
even when the path is narrow, even when the path has few or no one on it.
i want to see the sun after the rain..

overwhelmed

this is one of the pictures that we used in the prayer retreat that just ended today. and it totally describes how i’m feeling right now…

empty…

i know you mean good, but you often make me feel lousy. i cannot seem to rise up with you around. i know that whatever you do is to benefit me…but sadly, it only makes me feel worse because of the way you phrase your words. i know there’s certainly room for improvement in what i’m doing, but it’s my first time doing it. i’m human, not superhuman. yes, i’m not as good as you, what you can do a good job in may not be what i can do well in, but just as much as you need people to affirm you, so do i… once again, i’m human… i hope you can understand this fact.

expectations kill.

i cannot do this by myself

today is the day i’m truly convicted that i cannot do this by myself.
today is the day i’m truly convicted that ONLY God can touch hearts.
today is the day….

as i alighted from the MRT just now, i was prompted to walk home instead of taking the bus which i usually do. upon tapping my card to get out of the station, i couldn’t decide whether to take bus or to walk. at first i already turned towards the direction that will lead me to the interchange, but in the end i still walked because i just sensed that the prompting to walk home was far too great. and so, i walked.

i knew it was God that prompted me to walk home, because on the way home, we had a good chat.
He spoke sooooo clearly that i could never have mistaken it for my own thoughts, or some would say a voice in my head. NO.
at first the Lord showed me one song to sing for tomorrow’s devotion, and then the conversation started. it was a rather long convo…about 20minutes?

so to summarise our conversation:
despite our circumstances, we still CAN worship God because our circumstances are ever-changing, but God is NEVER CHANGING. our worship is certainly not determined by our circumstances, because if that was so, then i think we’ve missed the whole point of worship lorr. worship, similar to prayer, focuses on WHO God is. yes.

then the Lord asked me,”so do you think your worship is pleasing to me?”
i couldn’t say yes because i knew my heart wasn’t right before him. i had to “leave [my] gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to [my] brother; then come and offer [my] gift.” Matthew 5:24
of course it was a very hard thing for me to do because i didn’t think that i did anything wrong other than the fact that whatever i said was abit harsh. for that, i apologise. but i suppose at the end of the way, the question to ask is ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ and ‘do my actions please God?’. yes.

thank You Lord for teaching me this.

on the contrary

i said in my previous post that today is a relaxing day for me, but i have absolutely no idea why i’m feeling so drained suddenly. crazyy~

i just wish tomorrow won’t come~ :/ bleah. ignore me.

my Day and I

hmm, today is what my dear E would call “international slack day”. HAHA.
i didn’t do much that requires thinking other than to come up with prayer pointers for the REAL prayer retreat that’s in two days’ time… well, the funny thing is i prayed to ask God for prayer pointers. haha.. and the not-so-funny thing is that i thought that should be the case—praying for prayer pointers—because we want to be praying God’s will, yeah?

i had breakfast with Grandma at Ya Kun @ Northpoint this morning i promised her two times and both times i failed to do so, and so i decided i shouldn’t disappoint her again in any case if you don’t yet already know, one of my resolutions this year is to have breakfast with Grandma at least once a month! so…keep me accountable eh?
we didn’t really talk much but i’m still glad we went because i believe it’s the time spent that matters more
FYI: time is the best gift you can ever give to somebody because once given, you can never take it back…

look at that! she’s smiling so radiantly!

and yes.. busy eating.. haha

after breakfast, we went separate ways.. she went back to her own home, while i went back to mine.
i turned on my com, nothing to do except to do up the prayer retreat thingy. i took my phone, nothing to do with it other than SMS. so i decided to do something you wouldn’t expect me to do—make a book cover for my bible!
TADAAAAAA!~~~~

i spent like almost 3-4hours doing it! of cos this 3-4hours include finding materials in my house luh. haha.. i love it! the big smiley is a pocket! love it.. totally love it~ hahaha…

well then, i’ve to cook dinner for my family tonight. by the way, i only know how to cook one dish. hahaha one dish 闯天下!! really is can wan lorr.. hahha cos my mum only needs me to help her cook once a week and it’s mondays. haha. so my family only get to eat this dish once a week. ok what right? and don’t doubt my ability to cook! i can cook ok. -stares- lol.

that’s all folks! my Day and I.

One Way to Salvation

“Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by Me.” John 14:6

Materialism says, “Buy your way out.” The politician says, “Legislate.” The army says, “Fight.” Industry says, “Work.” The philosopher says, “Think.” But Jesus says, “There’s no way out but through Me.”

Jesus will save you by His grace, and He’ll save you all by Himself or you won’t be saved at all.

When you are saved by the grace of God, you are saved instantly, and you are saved eternally. Your goodness is not enough to save you, and your badness is not enough to keep you away. Jesus loves you so much that He died to save you.

Have you taken Jesus at His Word and followed His way of salvation? Maybe you have a friend who needs this truth today. Share it; don’t suppress it.

[crosswalk.com Love Worth Finding January 30]

Light Obeyed Increases Light

i thought this is kinda cool stuff! enjoy!

“Give me understanding, and I shall keep thy law; yea, I shall observe it with my whole heart.” Psalm 119:34

Is God righteous? Yes! How is the righteousness of God revealed? It is revealed “from faith to faith.” Here’s how that works:

God gives you truth; you believe that truth; then God gives you more truth. The more you obey the light, the more light you get.

The reason some of us don’t understand the Bible any more than we do is because we have not been living up to the light God has already given us. If you want to understand the part of the Bible that you don’t understand, then begin to obey the part that you do understand. Then you’ll begin to understand what you didn’t understand. Understand?

Ask God for faith that will reveal to you the hidden truths of His Word that are hard for you to understand right now.

[crosswalk.com Love Worth Finding January 31]

A never ending process

As I spent time with my grandma, mummy, and Raf today, I realized one thing that is a never ending process—building relationships.
Why do I say that? It’s because I saw how my relationship with these three people grew as I spent time with them today.
If I had chosen to step back and do nothing about my relationship with my mum, I believe we won’t even be shopping together today, we won’t even be spending time together as much as now(even though it’s only once a week but I think that’s the best I can give, the fact that I’m still having REAL)…
If I had chosen not to try to understand my grandma, I believe we wouldn’t be as close as we are now…I wouldn’t be holding her hand when we go out, I wouldn’t be waiting for her when she lags behind…
If I had chosen to not befriend Raf, I wouldn’t know what kind of person he is, I wouldn’t be going to town with him to shop and having to wait for him to try jeans for almost 30min, we wouldn’t even be sitting down at BBQ chicken to talk sense and nonsense…
Surely, building relationships is indeed an ongoing and never ending process.. And I dare say that it will only benefit the two people in the process of building the relationship tough it may be, the outcome will only be good, if not better