First family photo
My firstborn came into this world on the 25th of March, after 21 hours of labour, through an emergency c-section.
Being an idealist (most of the time), I had in mind the ideals of what a Mom should have/go through/be able to do – normal delivery with no epidural and no inducing, great milk supply, being able to make baby sleep and feed at scheduled timings… And even before my baby was born, my ideals were challenged one by one.
The moment I was warded, the nurse induced me because my water bag was leaking and I was only 0.5cm dilated. Ideal of not inducing – ✖.
After inducing me, the nurse came in to check my dilation every few hours and I remember telling my husband “that feeling is the worst I’ve ever felt so far”. It was a very uncomfortable and painful feeling, and who would have known that checking for dilation is such a manual thing when we live in such a tech-savvy time??? I could have asked for epidural but I continued to bear the pain, believing that it would make me a better Mom if I didn’t take epidural (I read that every kind of medication/chemical that goes into my body during labour affects the baby). Labour pain is really the most intense pain anyone can ever experience. I bore the pain from 2plus in the morning till about 7am, and a nurse came in to ask me whether I would like to take epidural. Took me awhile to consider because of my stubbornness, but after she shared with me her perspective, I went with it. In case you’re wondering what the nurse said that made me go against my ideals, she said something like “you are only 1.5cm dilated. And it’s going to take awhile to fully dilate. Normally it takes about 1 hour to dilate 1cm, so you might need about 7-8 more hours.” Thinking about having to bear with the pain for that long hours made me give in to taking epidural. Decision made at about 7am, anesthetist came at about 9am, and my body finally relaxed after that… but with that, ideal of not taking epidural – ✖.
Before the contractions kicked in
Throughout the labour day, my gynae and the nurses came in and out to check on my dilation, and at about 8pm the same day, my gynae came and checked on me, and found that I was still only about 7cm dilated. (I was already 7cm dilated at 4pm.) So she suggested that I go for csect because it didn’t seem that my dilation was progressing, plus my water bag was leaking. I was apprehensive. I really didn’t want to go for csect. So at that moment, I left the decision to my husband. He decided that we will go for csect, after all the life of the baby was at stake. So I did. Csect. Ideal of normal delivery – ✖.
The csect process was really quick. As soon as the decision for csect was made, I was pushed to the operating theatre. When I entered the operating theatre, I couldn’t really see because I was lying down, but I could hear that there was alot going on in there – nurses, gynae and anesthetist preparing for the csect procedure.
The anesthetist came towards me, injected something into my body to ensure that my lower body was really numb before the procedure began. (I actually think that the procedure started before she injected because I could feel something going on at my lower abdomen.) As the procedure proceeded, I soon felt the gynae opening up my tummy. I felt really uncomfortable and I remember saying “I can feel something!” I panicked and the anesthetist put the mask (I think is a really high dosage of laughing gas) over my nose and mouth. The next moment I felt everything around me slow down, there were people talking to me but slowly I couldn’t hear them anymore. It was quite a scary feeling. I felt like I was going to die! I was struggling to keep awake but it was too much of a struggle and I decided to just close my eyes (and the thought I had before I closed my eyes was “I really don’t wanna die. But if I die, I die.”).
As soon as I closed my eyes, I had a dream about a moving train and something else going on, which I cannot remember. And when I opened my eyes, I actually felt alot of vibration in my abdomen area and the feeling of the vibrations were in sync with the train vibrations I felt in my dream! Everything that happened after that was a blur and soon I heard a baby crying, then a baby was brought to me, we took a photo and then the baby was taken away and I was pushed to this place where the nurses monitored me for awhile before I was pushed to the ward.
First moments after taking measurements and going through checks
The next moment the baby was brought in to me at the ward to be fed. I had absolutely no idea what was happening because obviously I had no experience breastfeeding, but what it felt like was the nurse just chucked the baby under my right arm, pinched my nipple and chucked it into my baby’s mouth. I’m like 🤨 now when I think back, but at that moment, I was too tired to be able to process what was going on.
On the way home from hospital
My husband stayed with me at the hospital for 3 nights and then our crazy first month adventure began.
Our adventure began with having to do our own confinement for 3 weeks. In the three weeks, we visited the paediatrician/KKH A&E/polyclinic several times for baby’s jaundice, his breathing difficulties due to mucus and the lack of poopy diapers. I also visited the gynae 2-3 times during that one month of confinement. Oh, in case no one has ever told you (first time moms and dads), the confinement period was EXTREMELY tiring – the lack of sleep made taking care of baby very challenging. Rest during confinement – ✖. Breastfeed entirely – ✖.
You see, many of my ideals were challenged and that made me feel lousy, that I was not good enough… I believed that to be a good Mom, one must only go through normal delivery without epidural, must be able to breastfeed entirely without supplementing with formula milk, must be able to handle baby at all times, and must not lose her temper. And all these I wasn’t able to do so, which made me feel like a lesser Mom.
I am Mom, and no lesser (or better) Mom, because it is what God has called me to.
But the Lord reminded me that I am a Mom not because of the things that I can or cannot do. I am Mom because it is what He has called me to. And because I am Mom, therefore I do what I do.
Reality of my mom life
Because I am Mom, I express milk even when I don’t feel like it. Because I am Mom, I wake up at unearthly hours to feed baby even when I am very tired. Because I am Mom, I do what I need to do to help baby grow even when it goes against my ideals.
Going through a csect delivery and having low milk supply are things I cannot control and they do not define what God has called me to. And no, they don’t make me a lesser Mom if I cannot have those things, neither do they make me a better Mom if I can. I am Mom regardless of the uncontrollable factors that I go through.
Baby at 1m5d before taking a bath
My baby is now 7 weeks old as I publish this post publicly. Hang in there, all you who are on the same boat! This is a season that will certainly pass, so brace yourselves and embrace it!
Tiffany Tay 